Awkward

I am awkward. I think I used to be less awkward, but somewhere along the way some neurons either quit firing or maybe they all just started firing at once. I imagine my brain operates like a bunch of little old western movie stars, firing pistols everywhere except the target.

3 days a week sounded like cake, until I couldn't function on my days off, my social experiences became desperately slim, and even making food requires excessive inner prompting. 

I got tired. Misplaced anger, sad diagnoses, homeless, entitled, unhealthy, unfair, abused, cruel, lonely, psychotic, needy, prideful.  I'm tired. I'm tired of being sad for people I'll never meet again. I'm tired of being the shoulder to cry on, and then the punching bag. I'm tired.

I'm also alive. I'm healthy, free, friended, loved, remembered, full, forgiven, malleable, learning, teaching, moving, able. I'm alive. I can't believe I'm trusted with so much responsibility. My thoughts matter, my words carry weight. I'm a comforter and a hand of reassurance. I'm alive. 

On the inside I'm that floppy inflatable thing outside of car dealerships.

via GIPHY

I'm proud to do what I do, I'm also embarrassed by how little I know. I've always believed if I work hard enough I will be excellent and whatever I try. The inconvenient truth is time is part of the equation. Yeah, maybe if I put in the 10,000 hours I'll be a master at this but 10,000 is a big number and I'm pretty exhausted already. I see it on the faces of my co-workers, this silent frustration, this deep and powerful exhaustion. The limit does exist, the limit of our interventions, of our capabilities, of our compassion.

And yet, here we are. We pick up extra shifts, we smile, we laugh at our frustrations, we offer to help, we encourage each other, and we come back tomorrow. We are all insane.

Truth be told, I love this work I do. I love the challenge, I love learning a new medication or treatment or trick for starting better IV's. I'm addicted to the challenge because I know I'm not great yet, but I can be.

I always thought I'd only feel alive when I reached the top of the mountain, when I abseiled in to the cave, when I lost my breath taking in beautiful surroundings. I feel alive right here, in this flat flat Oklahoma. In this wild ER. I feel awkward and it is kind of wonderful.